High Jinx on the High Seas
by Carole Jackson
Summary: What *really* happened aboard the QE2? Scenes we didn't get to see!
1. Chapter 1

**HIGH JINKS on the HIGH SEAS**

**(Scenes from the QE2 we didn't get to see)**

**An original **_**Keeping Up Appearances **_**fanfiction**

**by Carole Jackson**

**SCENE ONE**

**"Dressing for Dinner"**

**It is the Buckets' first night aboard the QE2. They arrived rather later than expected - only an hour ago to be exact - thanks to a series of unfortunate miscalculations that are better left unmentioned. All that's water under the bridge, anyway. They're **_**here**_**! That's what really matters. Safely settled in their cozy little stateroom, they are dressing for dinner. Richard is in the bathroom, looking dapper in his black tuxedo trousers with the silk stripe. He's wearing a brilliantly white starched shirt and is just finishing fastening his cufflinks. Hyacinth is standing in their elegant stateroom (an outer cabin with all full facilities and ocean view) before the dresser. She is attired in a deep blue velvet evening gown with long fitted sleeves and a slim floor-length skirt (very chic!) and is, at the moment, attempting to fasten a (faux, no doubt) sapphire pendant necklace with high sentimental value. The sapphire is Sheridan's birthstone and he gave it to his Mummy for her last birthday. Richard paid the bill of course. You couldn't expect a schoolboy to afford a thing like this. It is a beautiful necklace, it must be said, but it has a very tricky clasp!**

**Hyacinth calls out, "Richard, fasten this necklace for me, will you, dear?" Richard, obligingly, emerges from the bathroom, walks up behind Hyacinth and begins fastening the necklace. "Are you wearing Sheridan's sapphire necklace again?" Richard asks as he fumbles familiarly with the clasp. "Yes, isn't it lovely," Hyacinth beams rhetorically. Richard looks down over her shoulder at Sheridan's sapphire necklace. (!) He does a sudden double-take; Hyacinth's dress is very low cut, revealing rather more of her abundant charms than Richard remembers. He pauses, mid-fasten, and stares. Good grief. The last time he saw anything like this he was commandeered to rescue Daddy from the Art Gallery.**

**Hyacinth senses a problem: Richard has stopped clasping. She turns her head and looks back over her shoulder at him. "Richard, whatever's the matter, dear?" she asks with wifely concern. He clears his throat. "Your dress," he says, stifling a sudden cough. "My dress? What **_**about**_** my dress?" Hyacinth demands. Richard hesitates, then blurts out more forcefully than intended, "It's rather a lot of exposure, isn't it?" He nods towards the revealing décolleté. Following the line of his gaze, Hyacinth says, "Well from **_**that **_**viewpoint, perhaps," she says, discounting his opinion. Richard rarely has the viewpoint one would wish anyway. Richard clasps Sheridan's sapphire necklace at last. Hyacinth pats it into place and whirls around to face him, her quivering décolletage causing Richard to venture a second opinion, "From **_**every **_**viewpoint," he says, rolling his eyes. "Really, Hyacinth, don't you think -"**

**"Richard," Hyacinth interrupts him firmly, straightening his tie. "You've seen it all before, dear," she reminds him. "Yes, I have, Hyacinth," he agrees, running his finger around the inside of his collar to loosen it. "Well there you are then," she says, patting his tie into place with practiced assurance. "But Hyacinth, I really think -" Richard hesitates. "What is it, Richard?" she asks, the tiniest note of exasperation creeping into her voice. They've only just arrived aboard the QE2 an hour ago and already Richard's becoming very tiresome - **_**and **_**the evening hasn't even begun yet! Hyacinth is tempted to lose patience but, determined not to let the side down, she asks, "Richard, do tell me what you think, dear. Come on. Tell me what you **_**really**_** think." Hyacinth pats her hair into place optimistically and smiles in anticipation. Plucking up courage, Richard squares his shoulders, and says, "The thing is, Hyacinth. . . I've had time to grow accustomed, you see, and other-" "And you've done very well too, dear," she compliments him, leaning down and looking up into his eyes with an enchanting smile, to which Richard responds by making a rather appalling gurgling noise deep in his throat.**

**Oh this is too much! Richard is a supportive husband in many ways - when he wants to be - but sometimes his behaviour would try the patience of a saint! Hyacinth turns and walks briskly over to the dressing table to pick up her evening bag but, catching sight of her reflection in the mirror, she cannot help but pause for a moment and smile in admiration. **_**What **_**an entrance she'll make at dinner! She shan't let anything spoil this evening. She shall simply handle Richard with kid gloves as always - he's in such a mood tonight! But she shall be the soul of patience, as is her wont. She turns towards him. "Richard," she says sweetly, "I don't know what your problem is, dear. This is an elegant gown. I bought it for just this occasion. It displays Sheridan's sapphire pendant necklace beautifully. Besides, it's perfect for dining at the Captain's table. Put your jacket on." Richard opens his mouth to speak - "Richard," Hyacinth says. Richard puts his jacket on.**

**Dear Richard. He means well, but he has no sense of style when it comes to ladies' dress. Taking pity, Hyacinth walks over and adjusts his lapels. That accomplished, she stands back, smiling with wifely satisfaction. My, but he does cut a dashing figure in a dinner jacket! Oh dear - is that a piece of lint on the toe of his evening shoe? Yes, it is. Hyacinth swoops down upon it and Richard, overcome with concern lest the bodice of her dress prove inadequate to requirements, begins choking in rather ungentlemanly fashion. Hyacinth stands up, perfectly contained as one would expect a lady of her calibre to be, and gives Richard a disapproving look. Richard manages to stifle an incipient attack of apoplexy. But it's too late. Hyacinth has lost patience. She gathers up her shawl and sweeps past him towards the door.**

**"Come along, Richard," she commands. "The Captain awaits!" Richard stands aside, holds the door for her and they go out. He feels vastly overheated in his starched shirt, jacket and tie, but whilst waiting for the elevator, Hyacinth experiences a sudden chill. She wraps her shawl closely around her shoulders, causing Richard to breathe a sigh of relief. Perhaps dinner will turn out to be a calmer affair than he thought. The elevator door opens and the Buckets step into the lift. Hyacinth stands back and nods to Richard. "Press Number One, " she says, adjusting her shawl. Richard presses Number One. Number One lights up. Having successfully carried out an order, Richard chances one last grateful glance in her direction only to see Sheridan's sapphire necklace proudly and prominently displayed once again upon her ample bosom. Richard rolls his eyes, thinking of the chaos that lies ahead. He saw the same thing happen once at Weston-super-Mare when they were on honeymoon. Thank the Lord she no longer has that floral bikini in her wardrobe! There were Scotch Eggs rolling off plates left and right. And back then she had less to display! The necessity of the moment requires that Richard be bold. He takes a deep breath and ventures a final opinion: "Hyacinth," he warns. "I should be very careful at dinner if I were you." The elevator door begins to close. "Hm?" she responds absently. "Promise me you won't lean too far down over the vichyssoise," Richard advises. "Mind the door!" she replies.**

**Go to PART TWO - "Elevator Going Up!"**


	2. Chapter 2

**HIGH JINKS ON THE HIGH SEAS**

**(Scenes from the QE2 we didn't get to see)**

**An original **_**Keeping Up Appearances **_**fanfiction**

**by Carole Jackson**

**SCENE TWO**

**"Elevator Going Up!"**

**You will recall at the end of Scene One the Buckets had just entered the lift that would carry them up to dinner. Having failed to approve of Hyacinth's new evening gown with the revealing décolletage, Richard has been enjoying a respite from her voice, more or less, since they left their stateroom. Hyacinth had covered herself up with her shawl, much to Richard's relief, and she's been giving him the cold shoulder since. But now the elevator door has closed, Hyacinth has begun thinking of the exciting evening ahead of them. An evening in which it is necessary that she have a congenial escort. She glances over at Richard, observes him looking suitably contrite and decides to forgive him his selfishness and insensitivity.**

**The elevator begins its slow ascent, stopping at each floor for some reason - and pausing for some length of time even though there's nobody there - but at least it gives Hyacinth the space she needs to prepare for her grand entrance. **_**What**_** a coup! Just thinking about it, her face takes on a look both beatific and anticipatory. "Oh Richard!" she breathes rapturously. "This is the moment I've always dreamed of - luxury cruising aboard the QE2 - and we shall be dining at the Captain's table too -" Hyacinth holds out her arms in a gesture of generous acknowledgement, rehearsing for the moment she shall be introduced to the Captain. "So you must be prepared, Richard!" she says suddenly, wheeling about to face him, her shawl dropping to the floor in a rush. But Richard is already prepared! He swoops down and snatches her shawl up at once and places it, somewhat clumsily, back on her shoulders. Breathing hard from the unaccustomed exertion, he proudly announces, "I am prepared, Hyacinth. I assure you, I am prepared."**

**"Not **_**that**_**, Richard," Hyacinth says with no little disdain, clutching at her shawl. Why is it men are so obtuse? "I mean you must be prepared when the Captain asks me to lead off with him in the first dance." "Dance?" Richard says. "But I thought we were going to dinner." Richard looks crestfallen. His most recent meal was at 5:30 this morning on the wrong dock at Copenhagen and consisted of nothing more than a Swedish Continental Breakfast. His stomach begins growling loudly in distress. "We **_**are **_**going to dinner, Richard," Hyacinth assures him. "So there's no need for you to make those vulgar noises. If there's one thing distinguishes us from other people, it's the absence of vulgar noises," she admonishes. "We shall be having a drink **_**before**_** dinner and there's dancing in there. It says so in the brochure," she explains. "It's the Captain's Cocktail Party, Richard. And I want you to be prepared because the Captain is certain to ask me to dance," Hyacinth concludes confidently. "Oh I shouldn't pin too many hopes on that, Hyacinth," Richard cautions her. "Because I don't want you being jealous, Richard," she continues. "After all, it's just for **_**one **_**dance. You can sit it out, dear. Have a drink or something. And then we'll dance all the rest together. In fact, Richard, you and I shall be dancing together through all eternity, dear." Hyacinth squeezes his arm with joy at the prospect. "So there's no need for you to be jealous of the Captain. It's only natural he'd want me to lead off with him. Once he sees me in this outfit. It's **_**so **_**appropriate! He's **_**bound **_**to notice me," she says, arranging her shawl such that Sheridan's sapphire pendant necklace is seen once again to shine forth brilliantly. "Bound to," echoes Richard, closing his eyes and bowing his head as if in prayer, albeit his shoulders appear to sag a little. "I shall try not to be jealous of the Captain, Hyacinth," Richard gives her his solemn promise.**

**"Well that's good, dear," Hyacinth replies, brushing a piece of lint off his shoulder, "because there's no need - Oh No -!" Hyacinth's shawl has slipped from her own shoulders in the process of tending to Richard and it's become ensnared on her gold lamé evening bag. "Oh, this is becoming a bother, Richard. I don't know why I brought this thing in the first place. I don't need it," Hyacinth says as, clearly annoyed, she takes the shawl and begins folding it up. "I think you do need it, Hyacinth," Richard has the temerity to contradict her. "Richard, you will please to remember I shall be dancing with the Captain of this magnificent ship! I cannot be expected to hang onto his every word if I'm worried about hanging onto this shawl." "I should think you'll find the man at a total loss for words if you show up without that shawl," Richard observes.**

**"Richard, don't let's go over all that again. This is a sophisticated crowd, dear. Nobody's going to be bowled over by a little décolletage." Richard, put squarely in his place, mouths the word 'little?' as the elevator door opens and this time there's actually somebody there. The Buckets find themselves face-to-face with - Major Wilton-Smythe! His eyes bugging out as if on stalks, he crows, "Ooooh, I **_**say **_**my dear, you **_**are**_** looking ravishing this evening. Sporting a new set of jewels, are we?" he asks, rubbing his hands together. "M-m-m-m, yes. They're sparkling brilliantly, too." The Major's eyes glitter in the reflection of Sheridan's sapphire pendant necklace. "Good evening, Major," Hyacinth says. Am I mistaken, or does she sound a bit weak in the knees? Major Wilton-Smythe slaps Richard on the back as he steps into the lift and joins the Buckets for the seemingly interminable ride to the top. "Jolly good show!" he cries as the door closes, then suddenly lowering his voice to a whisper, he leans close to Richard. 'You lucky dog! I'd like to have my hands in your gloves when the lights go out.' Richard gives Hyacinth a look that says, 'What did I tell you?' to which Hyacinth replies with pursed lips. Major Wilton-Smythe edges around behind them both, enjoying the view from every angle, whereupon Hyacinth unfolds her shawl and puts it on. She moves nearer Richard and takes his arm. The elevator doors open for the final time. They have reached their destination. Richard blows out a breath and the threesome make their grand entrance into the Captain's Cocktail Party.**

**Go to PART THREE - "Dirty Dancing"**


	3. Chapter 3

**HIGH JINKS ON THE HIGH SEAS**

**("Scenes from the QE2 that we didn't get to see)**

**An original **_**Keeping Up Appearances**_** fanfiction**

**by Carole Jackson**

**SCENE THREE**

**"Dirty Dancing"**

**Picture the dance floor aboard the QE2: The lights are low and strategically placed such that the ship's gleaming brassware shines forth incandescently, illuminating small cocktail tables where prosperous-looking (they would have to be to cruise on such a magnificent vessel as this!) - yes, people obviously hand-picked from Debrett's are seated around the dance floor, sipping cocktails mixed from only the finest ingredients. The men are wearing freshly pressed tuxedos and most of them actually fit. The ladies are all gowned in stylish evening dress. The orchestra is playing softly in the background. Several couples are dancing discreetly. Ah! It's all so perfect - like a scene from the Lawrence Welk Show. Are we then surprised to see, in this Paradise upon the High Seas, our favourite couple: Mr and Mrs Richard Bucket? No, we are not. There they are, obviously enjoying themselves immensely, having found a quiet corner where they can revel in one another's company without being disturbed by any hangers on who might be about the place. Oh look! They are proposing a toast, he with what appears to be whisky (straight up) and she with some sort of tall fruity concoction. This is obviously a couple in love, each with eyes only for the other. If you listen you can hear the 'clink' of some very high quality glassware. Let's be really quiet now and if we're lucky we'll be able to hear what they're saying. . . .**

**"Well thank heavens we got away, Richard," Hyacinth remarks, taking a ladylike sip of her cocktail. "Um-hmm!" replies Richard, nodding his head enthusiastically after taking a rather too-large drink of his. Hyacinth is tempted to give him a look of disapproval, but instead opts for a tolerant smile. The night is young yet. Suddenly, from behind the potted aspidistra at her back, a tuxedo-clad arm appears and drapes itself across Hyacinth's shoulders. It seems they have not 'got away' after all. Hyacinth's posture becomes, if possible, more perfect as she stiffens into ramrod position, causing Sheridan's sapphire pendant necklace to be displayed rather more prominently upon her bosom than heretofore and disturbing the elegant line of her deep blue velvet décolleté. "I wonder if I might have the pleasure of your lovely company for this dance, Mrs Bucket, pronounced Bou-quet?" the Major, emerging from his leafy camouflage, announces himself as the oleaginous owner of the too-familiar arm. Hyacinth stares across the table at Richard and almost imperceptibly shakes her head, 'no'. The Major, too, looks across the table at Richard, favours him with an ingratiating smile and, as one gentleman to another, asks, "You don't mind, do you old chap, sharing your little lady for just one dance?"**

**Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, as it were, Richard remains unresponsive. It's a talent he has - developed into a high art over the years - and he frequently finds it useful at times like this. Hyacinth, on the other hand, waiting for Richard to **_**say**_** something - **_**Why**_** is it men always depend on their wives for everything?! - glares at Richard to no avail. She quickly sizes up the situation and rallies to her own defense. "Major, I hardly think - I mean I haven't danced in so long -" she protests, laughing merrily. "Well then, it's high time we set that little omission to rights, my dear. Come with me," the Major holds Hyacinth's chair for her, his face glowing with expectation.**

**What does a well-bred lady - a shining light of respectability in the community - do when a Major holds her chair for her? Hyacinth knows: If she's standing, she sits down; and if she's sitting, she stands up. Hyacinth stands up, treating Richard to a disapproving look whilst simultaneously treating the Major to an expansive view of her magnificent bosom, upon which sparkles brilliantly Sheridan's sapphire pendant necklace. The Major, enraptured at the sight of Hyacinth's quivering décolletage, has a sudden sharp vision of his last skiing holiday in the French alps with the Governor's wife, during which they were snowed in for a week as the result of an avalanche. His heart goes pitter-pat and his mouth goes dry both in remembrance and anticipation. He considers downing the remainder of Richard's whisky all in one gulp, but licks his lips as the less ill-mannered alternative. Major Wilton-Smythe is an officer and a gentleman, it must be said.**

**He recovers himself in a trice, takes Hyacinth by the hand, and leads her onto the dance floor where he enfolds her in his arms and begins swaying gently in time to the music. Slow dancer that he is, the Major wastes no time otherwise: "My but you are a ravishing creature," he whispers into the hollow of her neck just beneath her right earlobe. How could he have known this is Hyacinth's most sensitive area?! "Major, please!" she remonstrates instinctively as any lady born into the Candlelight Supper Class would towards a gentleman who has gone a step 'too far'. "All in good time my dear," he replies, drawing her closer. "Major, you're holding me much too near for decent conversation," Hyacinth protests. Why is it men never realize the true purpose of dancing is to talk? "Nonsense, my dear," the Major reassures her. "I'm finding your conversation immensely stimulating," he says as they dance past the table where Richard is sitting, looking stunned and helpless. Oh Richard! There's a time for a man to look stunned and helpless and this is not it! Her eyes widening with the effort of raising up on her tiptoes whilst being confined to close quarters by the Major, Hyacinth - undaunted - manages to look over the Major's shoulder at Richard and mouth, 'Cut in NOW!' thus solving Richard's dilemma of what to do next.**

**"Really, Major! You must stop!" she declares. "I can hardly breathe." "**_**Au contraire**_**, my little flower," replies the Major. "I find your every breath a fresh excitement." He closes his eyes and smiles, his face taking on a look of almost religious ecstasy. "Major!" Hyacinth recoils, struggling in vain against his powerful **_**pas de deux**_**, "I can **_**feel **_**your excitement! And I must insist that you-" "May I cut in, Major?" Richard's gentle voice accompanies a rather less gentle tap on the Major's shoulder.**

**"Oh bad luck for me," replies the Major with instant good grace, the result of a lifetime's habit saluting the regiment. Bowing low, he kisses Hyacinth's delicate little hand, before releasing it into the care of her gallant husband. "And we were just getting to know one another well, weren't we, Mrs Bou-quet?" Poor Major. There is a note of sadness in his voice. "Perhaps some other time, Major," replies Hyacinth politely, adjusting Sheridan's sapphire pendant necklace, which had become disarranged during that last 'dip'. Hyacinth turns to Richard, who takes her in his arms, prepared as always, to do as he is told, which is in this case: Dance. But Hyacinth is too unnerved after such an untoward experience dancing with the Major. "Oh Richard," she says, leaning heavily on his arm. "Take me in to dinner, dear." "But what about the Captain, Hyacinth?" Richard asks. "I thought you wanted to dance with the Captain." "Not tonight, Richard. I've had enough dancing. The Captain will have to wait," Hyacinth says. "If my Sheridan were here, he'd be appalled."**

**Go to PART FOUR - "Afters"**


	4. Chapter 4

**HIGH JINKS ON THE HIGH SEAS**

**(Scenes from the QE2 we didn't get to see)**

**An original **_**Keeping Up Appearances**_** fanfiction**

**by Carole Jackson**

**SCENE FOUR**

**"Afters"**

**N.B.: Although you could appreciate Scene Three without having read Scenes One and Two, in order to get the full effect of Scene Four, you should read Scenes One and Two first, and though it's not entirely necessary to have read Scene Three before you read Scene Four, you'd probably like Scene Four more if you have read Scene Three. Got that? o.k. Go back and do it and then meet me here at 11:47 for a cup of Earl Grey. All right. Here we go.**

**I hope you've read Scene Three, but if you haven't read Scene Three, we last left the Buckets entering the Mauretania Room, as the dining room into which Hyacinth had attempted to gain entry is reserved for first-class passengers only. It seems Richard did not manage to obtain first-class accommodations for them as directed but he's been making up for it since so it's all right. Besides, they **_**are**_** cruising aboard the QE2 so that's all anyone back home in The Avenue need know. Now let's be quiet because Richard and Hyacinth have just returned from dinner and are standing outside their stateroom. She is waiting in what appears to be a state of high agitation while he attempts to fit the key into the lock. He's done it! The door is open.**

**"Hey!" says Richard, stumbling back out into the hall as Hyacinth brushes him aside unceremoniously. Recovering his footing, he enters the room warily and closes the door behind him. "It was a **_**most**_** humiliating evening!" Hyacinth greets him, throwing her evening bag down on the bed and whipping off her shawl in unladylike fashion, her bosom heaving, thus turning Sheridan's sapphire pendant necklace askew and spoiling the elegant line of her deep blue velvet décolleté. It's been a long evening, it must be said, full of social challenges for Hyacinth, and it appears there may yet be some of those in store for Richard. But having drunk rather more than he ought and thus miscalculating his ability to restore marital harmony with one well-placed remark, Richard mistakes this lull in the conversation for an opportunity to remind her, "I warned you about the soup, Hyacinth." What kind of an off-handed comment is this?! Richard should know better than to think himself so easily absolved of responsibility for the disastrous dinner. But, I am sorry to say, it appears he believes himself innocent.**

**Yes, Richard Bucket is that rarest of all creatures, a man blest with a clear conscience, as is all too obvious, judging by the speed with which his face has once again relaxed into its normal appearance of casual alertness. He begins nonchalantly removing his jacket and tie. Dear Richard. He's too naïve - or he's drunk enough to be daring! In either case, he shouldn't be flaunting an air of insouciance when his wife is positively fulminating with indignation. She addresses him hotly, "Well how was **_**I **_**to know the Major would be seated next to me?!" Hyacinth asks the question for which Richard has no ready answer. Scowling at his obviously uncaring attitude, she removes her earrings, then flounces herself down at the dressing table and tearing a tissue from the box at hand, she commences rubbing it furiously across that sensitive little place in the hollow of her neck just beneath her right earlobe. (If you've read Scene Three then you know the significance.)**

**"I can't believe the Major upset the entire tureen of vichyssoise all over the front of his trousers like that," Hyacinth fumes as she inspects her neck in the mirror, then tosses the tissue into the little gold mesh QE2-monogrammed dustbin provided for just such a purpose. She reaches up to remove Sheridan's (it is **_**not**_** faux!) sapphire pendant necklace but is still too overwrought after such a distressing dinner to manage the clasp. If the Major had kept his hands to himself the soup tureen never would have been overturned in the first place. But anyway, that'll teach him to try and sample her plums! He'll think twice the next time. Hyacinth motions for Richard, "Come and undo this for me, will you. I'm all on edge." Richard, who thinks but has the presence of mind not to say, 'Tell me something I don't know,' comes over and begins to undo the necklace.**

**"Anyway, at least it was a **_**cold**_** soup," Hyacinth observes. "Never mind the soup - a cold **_**shower**_** was what he needed," Richard says with unaccustomed fervor. "He spent the entire evening staring down the front of your dress." "Yes. Poor Major," Hyacinth shakes her head sadly. "One would expect a more uplifted view of things from a man of his standing." "Well from where**_** I'm**_** standing," Richard cannot resist - my, but he is feeling bold tonight! - "the view is remarkably uplifted," he says, as he leans down and kisses that sensitive little place in the hollow of Hyacinth's neck just beneath her right earlobe. "Richard!" Hyacinth responds with surprise, shrugging her shoulders and leaning forward, whereupon Sheridan's sapphire pendant necklace, which Richard has just succeeded in unclasping from around her neck, drops down and disappears into the depths of her deep blue velvet décolleté. The spell is broken. Hyacinth clutches her bosom. "Tsk. Richard. For goodness' sake, dear," she says, giving his reflection in the mirror a disapproving look, albeit a not **_**entirely**_** disapproving look. Richard smiles into the mirror, his smile changes to a soft chuckle, and he begins removing his cufflinks. . . .**

**Go to PART FIVE - "The Buckets in Bed(lam)"**


	5. Chapter 5

**HIGH JINKS ON THE HIGH SEAS**

**("Scenes from the QE2 we didn't get to see)**

**An original **_**Keeping Up Appearances **_**fanfiction**

**by Carole Jackson**

**SCENE FIVE**

**"The Buckets in Bed(lam)"**

**N.B.: You don't need to have read Scenes One through Four in order to get the full effect of Scene Five. On the contrary, if this fanfiction were a book, Scene Five would probably be the "only" page read, "the dog-eared page," pronounced "too hot to handle by the over-60s." It's all in dialogue; let your imagination be your guide. . . .**

**"Well? What do you think?"**

**"About what?"**

**"About **_**me**_**, Richard. Come on, open your eyes. And tell me. What do you see that's different?"**

**"Erm. . .you've forgot to set your hair."**

**"No no no, Richard - the outfit! What do you think of the outfit?!"**

**"Oh. The outfit. Very nice, Hyacinth."**

**"Very nice? Is that it? Is that the extent of your enthusiasm? I bought this set **_**new**_**, Richard. It's all high-quality nylon.**  
** ~~~~~ It's for cruising aboard the QE2 ~~~~~"**

**"? ? ? ?"**

**"Why are you looking at me like that, Richard?"**

**"I'm trying to imagine where you're going to wear an outfit like **_**that **_**aboard the QE2."**

**"Richard! I bought it for wearing in **_**here**_**, dear. In our stateroom."**

**"Oh, oh of course."**

**"Yes, I thought you could admire me in it whilst we're in here and then if we should run up against any icebergs in the middle of the night I'll look well in it when I'm rescued."**

**"Well you'd better be sure and grab your shawl on the way to the lifeboats."**

**"Tsk. . . .oh never mind! I don't know why I bother asking your opinion in the first place. Just pull out the bed."**

**"What do you mean pull out the bed?"**

**"What do you mean what do I mean? It's time for bed. Pull it out."**

**"It's out."**

**"Well open it up then, unfold it or something - isn't that how they work? I saw a bed like this once on the sleeper coming back from Frinton-on-Sea - you let out a latch underneath somewhere and bring the rest of it down from the wall."**

**"Not this one, Hyacinth. This one is open, down, and out. This is it. The bed. It's as far as it goes. So there you are. Hop in."**

**"***"**

**". . . . ."**

**"Oh very well. Tsk. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ Tsk. . . . . . . . .^ ^ ^ ^ Tsk. . . . . oh this is impossible! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .^^^Oooomph, Richard! Mind what you're doing, dear!"**

**"Sorry. . . . . . . .if you could just move over, Hyacinth. . . . ."**

**"Well I **_**can't **_**move over, can I - my back's against the wall as it is. . . . . .Richard, for goodness sake . . ."**

**"Umph. . . .^^^. . . ."**

**"Richard. Hands, dear."**

**"There's no room, Hyacinth. It's the only place I've got."**

**"Uhhh!. . . . . .Look. Richard . . . . . . just loosen your grip then, will you. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .really . . . .come on. . . . I need latitude, Richard."**

**"^^ . . . . . .^^ . . . . . . ^. . . . . . ."**

**"Richard. If you're going to be there, dear, then settle yourself and stop moving about."**

**". . . . ."**

**"Well? Turn out the light."**

**#()#**

**"Are you **_**sure **_**this is a double room?"**

**"Honeymoon suite I should imagine."**

**"Tsk. Well the bed's far too small. We shall have to do something about it in the morning."**

**". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . how about now. . . . . . .we could do something about it now, Hyacinth. . . . . . . . . .make the most of it. . . . . . . . . .^^^^^^^**

**"Richard. Don't do that. We're aboard the QE2, dear."**

**". . ."**

**"It is a high-class luxury liner."**

**"Yes, Hyacinth, by all means, a high-class luxury liner."**

**"Exactly."**

**"But Hyacinth, we're out in the middle of the ocean, miles away from anywhere."**

**"Yes, we are."**

**"It's not as if Sheridan's in the next room."**

**"Of course Sheridan's not in the next room, Richard. Sheridan's away at University. You know that as well as I do."**

**"The point is, Hyacinth, we're on holiday. Things are sometimes different on holiday."**

**"Well of course things are different on holiday, Richard. That's what holidays are for! That's why people have them, dear. A little change of pace. Do let's go to sleep now, Richard. We've an early start ahead of us in the morning! We shall have a lovely day ashore shopping for shells suitable for Sheridan."**

**"**"**

**"Goodnight, Richard (x) "**

**"*"**

**"Richard, are you in a pet, dear? You know I hate it when you're in a pet."**

**"What makes you think -"**

**"You didn't kiss me goodnight when I kissed you goodnight."**

**"Oh, did you kiss me goodnight? I must've missed it, Hyacinth. I probably thought it was a rehearsal for something."**

**"Richard, don't be silly dear. Now I'm going to kiss you goodnight and this time I want you to do it properly (x)"**

**"xxxxxxxx "**

**"(!). . .Richard. . . .for heaven's sake. . ."**

**"You wanted it done properly, Hyacinth."**

**"Yes, but I meant normally properly. ^^^^^ (!) Richard, really, there's no room in here for that sort of thing!"**

**". . .I should think that's all there is room for, Hyacinth. . .^^^^^"**

**"Richard, really, I don't thi - "**

**"XXX. . .^^^^^^^"**

**"Rich-!"**

**"XXX^^^^^^^^. X .^^^^^^^^. X. .^^^^^^^. XX ."**

**" - ard. .I^^. .really. . .don't^^. . .thi -^^^^^oh^well^I suppose^you're^right^after^all^we are^on. . ^^^. . . . . hol^i^da^y^y^y^^^^^^^. ^^^^^^. . ^^^^^^^^^. . . . ^^^^^^^^^^^^. . . . Mind the nightdress!"**

**Go to PART SIX - "Land Ho!"**


	6. Chapter 6

**HIGH JINKS ON THE HIGH SEAS**

**("Scenes from the QE2 we didn't get to see)**

**An original **_**Keeping Up Appearances **_**fanfiction**

**by Carole Jackson**

**SCENE SIX**

**"Land Ho!"**

_**What**_** a beautiful morning it is! The sun is shining brightly. The skies are a deep azure blue. There's not a cloud in sight but if one were to appear it would no doubt be a small, perfectly formed fleecy white cloud with the good sense not to cast a shadow over the QE2, now lying at anchor in the calm waters of Portland Harbor. Yes - surprise - we're in Maine - the Buckets have landed in America this morning! Thanks to the air-to-sea rescue service that flew them in from Copenhagen in time for dinner last night. They'll be going ashore soon, but before they do, let's bring ourselves up to date. As you will recall from 'last night' (I'm sure **_**nobody**_** skipped Scene Five) we left the Buckets in their cozy little stateroom, tucked into their old-world bijou bed and enjoying rather a sporting time together. We did not stay clear through to the winning touchdown, of course. Even literary voyeurs have a code of ethics. But now it is the 'morning after' and we rejoin our favourite couple as they prepare to go ashore.**

**My word, doesn't someone look chipper this morning? Why it's Mrs Bucket. She's attired brilliantly in a floral patterned sundress - azaleas, apparently - in every known hue. A jaunty little white pique bolero jacket, with floral piping round the collar and cuffs completes her outfit (very chic!) Oh yes, and the hat: let's not forget the hat. A wide-brimmed white straw with a little matching floral scarf affair tied in a bow at the back. (These scarf things are great when you haven't, for whatever reason, set your hair the night before.) And yes, she's wearing 'the pearls'. And the gloves. And carrying a ladylike white straw handbag to match her espadrilles. Hyacinth looks to be a veritable garden of earthly delights this morning. But Richard! Richard has outdone himself. He looks quite the nautical figure today: Pristine white trousers (full-length) with a crease pressed sharp as a knife's edge; a blue shirt (the exact same shade as the ocean surround - **_**so**_** appropriate!) a navy blue jacket with gold-embroidered anchor motif on the breast pocket; a soft red patterned ascot (silk, no doubt); and a straw hat with a very snappy brim. The Buckets have never looked better. Salt air obviously agrees with them. Yes, here they are, all ready for a lovely day ashore shopping for shells suitable for Sheridan in Portland, Maine - the vacationer's paradise, highly recommended by better-class travel brochures as a select source of periwinkles! (The nautical kind; not the hand-painted ones).**

**But enough. Let's be quiet now and watch: The Buckets are standing just outside the door to their stateroom. Hyacinth is smiling and nodding her greetings to the occasional passers by (rather majestically - one would almost think her aristocracy) whilst Richard locks up. That having been accomplished, she takes his arm and they head for the quarter deck. Are we imagining things or does Richard have a little spring in his step this morning? "Good day to you," Hyacinth says in firm but friendly fashion to the purser as they pass. "Good morning, madam; good morning, sir," replies the purser, giving the Buckets a quizzical stare followed by a wide toothy grin, which Hyacinth takes immediate note of and, following his beeline of vision, instantly pinpoints the cause. "Richard," she says. "You're smiling too broadly, dear."**

**"What?" replies Richard, who is in fact smiling broadly and guilty as charged. "I said you're smiling too broadly, Richard." "Smiling too broadly?" Richard repeats the question, thinking he must have misheard. He's usually reprimanded for not smiling broadly enough! "Hyacinth," Richard begins - is that a note of petulance in his voice? "What could possibly be wrong with smiling broadly?" he asks. Yes it is. Richard is sounding petulant, possibly verging on the argumentative. "You shouldn't be smiling broadly this morning, Richard," Hyacinth explains. "Because people might think there's a reason for it, dear," she finishes in time to smile, 'Good morning' at the important looking couple emerging from the stateroom they've just passed. Hyacinth turns around and smiles at them once more for good measure. 'She looks very familiar,' Hyacinth whispers to Richard. 'I think she used to be a Barber's Chicken. And I do believe - oh my word, yes! He is! I'm sure of it. Richard, look, it's a B&M Baked Bean!' Hyacinth is ecstatic. Who wouldn't be? It's not every day one comes into such close contact with the upper echelon like this in America!**

**But in his typical fashion, Richard isn't listening. He didn't hear a word she said. And whyever not? Because Richard has begun singing! "Zip-ah-de-doo-dah, zip-ah-de-ay! My-oh-my-what-a-wonderful-day!" Yes, Richard is definitely being contradictory this morning. It comes from too little sleep. "We're on holiday, Hyacinth," he reminds her. "I**_** feel **_**like smiling this morning. I feel quite festive really," Richard insists, smiling some more and punctuating his announcement with a little skip for good measure as they round the corner.**

**Oh yes, goody-oh! Why not?! **_**Who**_** should they see **_**just **_**at that moment but - The Major. 'Richard! Puh-leeze!' whispers Hyacinth, 'Have a little decorum.' Too late. He's seen them. "Good morning!" Major Wilton-Smythe greets the Buckets heartily. "My God woman, you could drive a man mad looking so attractive so early in the morning!" he cries. "Good morning, Major," Hyacinth acknowledges the compliment, covered in embarrassment of course, but that's how he is. And it is a well-deserved compliment, it must be said. Richard taps his hat brim in a little two-fingered salute, "Morning, Major," he says.**

**"Just going ashore, are you?" asks the Major. "Doing a bit of shopping - going to buy another enchanting ensemb' for this evening, my dear?" the Major bows low before Hyacinth and sweeps off his hat with a triple-flourish. A delightful trill of laughter escapes from her lips - what a little minx she is! Major Wilton-Smythe hopes he hasn't frightened the little flower. But no! She speaks: "We're just going to see the sights, Major," Hyacinth says, as she moves closer to Richard and whispers the question, 'He's not going, is he?' to which Richard whispers the answer, 'I don't know.' "Ah! but you are a 'sight for sore eyes' all by your little self, you lovely creature - the delectable Mrs Bucket, pronounced Bou-quet," Major Wilton-Smythe sashays around her in a circle, then pauses to savour the moment.**

**Suddenly, without warning, he turns on his heel and faces Richard. "Making a second honeymoon of it, eh, old boy? Judging by the noises off coming from your room last night, you sly dog," the Major gives Richard a manly jab in the ribs with his elbow. Richard responds with an "Ow" and Hyacinth gives them both a disapproving look. But not to be dissuaded from his good mood, Richard recovers himself with alacrity and saves the day with a simple nod, "See you this evening, Major," he says, as he takes Hyacinth by the arm and points her in the direction of the gangway. "Eight bells! I'm looking forward, you magnificent jewel," the Major says, favouring Hyacinth with a leering smile and a knowing wink. "Owwwww!" Oh dear. It seems Hyacinth has trod rather heavily upon the Major's foot, the one with the ingrown toenail. But how could she have known? It was a mistake, of course! "Oh Major! I'm so sorry," Hyacinth apologizes. But the damage has been done. The Major's smile vanishes into a stiff upper lip, he returns a salute and marches away, limping, in the opposite direction.**

**"Thank heavens he's gone," Hyacinth breathes a sigh of relief. Richard stifles an urge to laugh and the Buckets proceed across the gangway for a day ashore shopping for shells suitable for Sheridan. And here I'm afraid we, too, must leave them. Yes, our journey with the Buckets has come to a close. It's been fun while it lasted but - Wait! Look! They've stopped. Aren't they going ashore after all? Oh-oh it looks like an argument is brewing. What a shame. And on such a beautiful day, too. But at least all the other passengers have gone ashore who're going ashore and the Buckets are alone on the gangway so they can't be overlooked whilst engaging in a little marital tiff. Of course it won't hurt if **_**we**_** stick around a few moments longer. Shall we? We don't want to miss anything important and Hyacinth appears to be saying something **_**really**_** important to Richard. Let's listen:**

**"There you are, you see! The Major heard everything, Richard! What did I tell you last night - the walls are paper thin aboard this ship!" "You're the one did all the shouting, Hyacinth," Richard reminds her. Hyacinth puts her nose in the air. Such an ungentlemanly comment as this doesn't deserve a reply. "Poor old Major," Richard says, shaking his head. "Poor old **_**Major**_**?!" Hyacinth suddenly comes to life, turning on Richard. "Poor old **_**Major**_**?" She repeats herself. She can hardly believe her ears. "But what about **_**me**_**, Richard? Answer me this, will you. After all, I'm the one had the cramp in my leg for an hour in the night. I thought it would never walk off!" Hyacinth looks at him accusingly. Richard instantly bites back a smile. He is a thoughtful husband after all. And he does feel quite contrite really. "I cannot imagine what the Major must be thinking," Hyacinth says, pursing her lips. "Oh I can, Hyacinth," Richard says, a smile lighting up his face once again. "I can imagine what he must be thinking," Richard begins to chuckle. "You've certainly put him in envy of me, Hyacinth, I can tell you that." "Well of course he's in envy of you, Richard. He's always been in envy of you. After all, dear, you **_**are**_** married to me," she reminds him, smiling with satisfaction. Richard closes his eyes and nods in vigorous agreement as Hyacinth, now fully justified, decides he can be forgiven. "Well? What are we standing **_**here**_** for Richard? Let's go ashore, dear!" Hyacinth says, taking his arm. "Oh I can't wait to start shopping for shells suitable for Sheridan!" she crows, her face glowing in anticipation as she disembarks the gangway. The Buckets are ashore. "Land Ho!" replies Richard.**

**The End.**

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